A Year in Pictures

Happy First Birthday Z!! So now it's bye-bye to baby-hood, and hello to toddler-hood (ut-oh! LOL)! Here's a year in pictures to show how he's grown...  :)


December 2010





January 2011





February 2011





March 2011





April 2011





May 2011





June 2011





July 2011





August 2011





September 2011





October 2011





November 2011





December 2011

Giving Thanks

Some of my friends have been doing a thankfulness challenge on facebook, where they post something they're thankful for each day for the whole month of November. I think it's a great idea, but I'm horrible at posting every day...lol. So, here's a whole month worth of thanks!

1 - I'm thankful for coffee. Specifically, dunkin donuts original blend coffee, extra cream, one sugar. Many days would just not be possible without coffee. Mmmmmmm.....

2 - I'm thankful for my kids. They teach me what childhood is supposed to be all about - watching their innocence, excitement, amazement, curiousity, imagination, and expression as they grow is just plain awesome. Plus, they're pretty darn cute, if I do say so myself. ;)

3 - I'm thankful for my husband. We drive eachother crazy at times, but I couldn't imagine life without him.

4 - I'm thankful for my mom. She's got a free spirit and a great heart and the kids love their "Crazy Gramma" despite the miles (yes, that's what the kids call her, seriously...lol). Growing up there were a few bumps in the road, but she must have gotten something right because I turned out pretty good!

5 - I'm thankful for mother-in-law. She's been the extra pair of hands or extra set of eyes many times when I've needed help with the kids. The kids love spending time with her, and I love seeing that bond grow between them. Plus, she's a HUGE help with Thanksgiving dinner (I'm going on my third time hositing Thanksgiving, but I still have never cooked a turkey, ham, or stuffing on my own...LOL).

6 - I'm thankful for my other "mom" C. She's my best friend's mom, and has been a great source of love and support since I was 6 years old. I'm thankful for sleepovers at her house, embarrassing balloon pictures, surprise baby showers, and lots more.

7 - I'm thankful for my other other "mom" Master A (thoughtsfromtherun.wordpress.com). She's been in my life since I was 8, and has had many roles - martial arts instructor, boss, and mentor, to name a few. She's been an amazing role model, and has been another great source of love, support, and guidance through the years.

8 - I'm thankful for my job. I'm don't think being an auditor is my ultimate "calling" in life, but it works for me for now. The pay and benefits are good, I have a flexibile schedule, and an understanding boss.

9 - I'm thankful for money. We have enough money for things we need, with a few little extras. Money is definitely tight, and there are plenty of household projects that have been put off for, well...years, but we don't go without life's basic necessities. And if we don't have the money for something unexpected (like the new roof we just got...ugh), I'm thankful for my good credit.

10 - I'm thankful for all of my friends-in-a-box. I have become a much better person, friend, and mother because of them. There's always someone with experience, advice, support, ideas, etc. when I need it, and I love that. 

11 - I'm thankful for my best friend J. We've been best friends since first grade (for 21 years already, yikes! We're getting old! Hahaha). Even though we don't see eachother all that often, and even though I've gotten pretty boring since becoming a mom, we still have fun when we get together. (Just please...no more jello shots!).

12 - I'm thankful for health. It always seems like there is something going on with someone in my house, but...it's never anything that can't be overcome. Allergies, dental stuff, vision troubles, fevers, skin cysts, infections, and a bazillion different types of germs I've never heard of until I became a mom...Things definitely get frustrating, expensive, and overwhelming at times, but there are so many people out there who have health problems far worse, and many others who have lost a loved one much too soon...kind of puts things in perspective.

13 - I'm thankful for my grandparents. They were both amazing people, and I'm thankful they were in my life as long as they were.

14 - I'm thankful for my father. I'm thankful for the happy childhood memories I have of him. I'm thankful for the eye-opening time it was living with him for a short time at 17, and I'm thankful that we've both grown to be better people since then. I'm thankful that he's part of my life and my children's lives, and I'm thankful that I've been able to get to know him better over the past few years.

15 - I'm thankful for my former step-father, B. I'm going to explain a bit more in a whole separate post some time, since this one's complicated. But, simple version...everything happens for a purpose, and that purpose serves me. I'm a much better person today than I ever would have been without his influence in my life.

16 - I'm thankful for my house. I bought my grandparents' house a few months before my grandmother passed away. This house...it's old and has a 1098763084760956234 things that need to be fixed, but that doesn't matter. I have so many memories in this house -- I lived here when I was 1-2 years old, again when I was 17, and again since I was 21. My mom, her brother, and her sister all grew up in this house. I visited my grandparents here every Friday when I was little. We'd celebrate birthdays and holidays and have weekend family meals here. I love how I'm raising my kids in the same house as my grandparents raised their kids. I love that my house makes has such a connection to my past and my family.

17 - I'm thankful for pictures. I love looking through the black and white pictures of my grandparents when they were younger; I love looking through the pictures of my mom and her siblings as kids; I love looking through pictures of me and my brother as kids; I love looking through pictures of my kids when they were younger; and I love taking way too many pictures of my kids as they continue to grow. There are so many moments that I don't want to forget, and I love how moments can preserved forever with just a click of a camera.

18 - I'm thankful for skittles. And hot tomales. And reeses pieces. (and I'm not really "thankful", but I guess it's for the best, but the kids didn't get many of those candies at all for Halloween for me to "share" with them...*sniffles*...darnit!).

19 - I'm thankful for sleep. I tend to be a bit sleep-deprived, with three kids and all (and yes, I'm posting this blog entry at 2:40 in the morning, since Z was up and I can't get back to sleep...LOL). But I always appreciate a full night's sleep whenever one happens to come along. And if there's not enough sleep, see #1.

20 - I'm thankful for the relatively warm November we've had so far. Warm days make me happy.

21 - I'm thankful for facebook. It makes sharing pictures and keeping in touch with faraway friends and family so much easier.

22 - I'm thankful for handmade crafty things -- like the handmade wooden trainset or the see-saw my dad made for the kids, or the handmade quilt and dollies my friend Bree (distantpickles.blogspot.com) made for the kids. I'm not the crafty-est person in the world, but the few mini-projects I've done seem to be enjoyed and appreciated (ribbon-ey hair clips, hand/foot print paint projects with the kids, and various mod podge things). Knowing a lot of time, effort, and thought went into a gift makes me feel special.

23 - I'm thankful for karate - for the instructors, the classmates, the school. Plus, meeting my husband there was a nice little bonus...lol.

24 - I'm thankful for my massage therapist and my regularly scheduled "tune-up" appointments that keep me going.

25 - I'm thankful for relaxation - for long, hot showers and walks through the local state park.

26 - I'm thankful for a quiet house; for the rare chance to be alone with my thoughts, or to do anything I want around the house without interruption.

27 - I'm thankful for a loud, crazy, house full of happy, giggly, playful kids.

28 - I'm thankful for music -- for songs from the radio that are so emotional and powerful and I relate to completely; for fun kids songs that we dance around the living room to (Big Time Rush, Victorious, and Dora are the latest); for cheery Christmas music; for made-up goofy songs, etc.

29 - I'm thankful for stickers, stamps, make-up, and markers. Okay, well maybe I'm not so thankful for those, but once I get over the effort involved in cleaning up each day's creative disasters and the mystery colors from each kid, I'm thankful that I have such fun, creative, expressive kids.  :)

30 - I'm thankful for Thanksgiving. For family gatherings, for celebrations, for a reminder to pause and reflect.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Dear Grampa

Dear Grampa,

Today, it's your turn to be remembered. It's been seven years since you died. Seven (!), where does the time go? I miss you, and I wish your great-grand-kids had a change to get to know you.

I think my "problem" with grieving is that I've always done it alone. Yes, there have been people there who have tried to comfort me, but...I shut down, I pull away, I hide. And, that hasn't worked out so well. I think by talking about you and Gramma, whether on the blog or in person, by sharing with others, by remembering...it seems to help a bit. I don't think I'll ever miss you less, but talking helps me feel understood, validated. It reminds me that I'm not alone, that I'm connected, that other people still miss you (or another loved one) as much as I do. And by sharing, it helps keep your memory alive. I don't ever want you or Gramma to be forgotten.

I remember Friday afternoons with you. You'd give my brother and me a weekly allowance, and you'd bring us to Newport Creamery and let us get whatever we wanted (I always got a cone of strawberry ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, or a sundae of strawberry ice cream, strawberry topping, and whipped cream...still one of my "comfort" foods). Gramma always wondered why your weekly spending money disappeared so fast.

I remember trips to the library. You'd drop my brother (J) and me off, while you waited in the car. J would take a long time, and I'd end up sitting with you in the car for a while after I picked out my books, and before J came out. While we waited, we'd play games. We'd watch cars going by, and see who could find license plates from the most states; we'd count the number of cars of a certain color and see who counted the most. You always made passing the time fun.

I remember Friday night sleepovers with you and Gramma. I remember playing word searches with you - we'd each do a page on opposite sides of your book, and see who finished first - I always wondered if you let me win all the time (even though you said you didn't). I remember playing cribbage with you. We'd stay up late watching Nick at Nite, and we'd watch a few shows in the morning too...shows like MASH, I Love Lucy, Mr. Ed, Tom and Jerry, and Popeye.

I remember going through old photographs with you, and listening to you talk about your family tree. I wish I had listened to your stories more closely, and I wish I wrote more things down.

I remember your pastel blue car, and how you'd proudly paint it yourself every year. You used a paint brush and a can of paint...by the time you got rid of that car, the paint must have been an inch thick! I always thought you were a very handy, resourceful guy...until I realized a few years later that painting your car with a brush wasn't exactly the "right" way to do it...lol.

I remember your driving. You drove us around a lot and I was a tad embarrassed. You were *that* grandfather who drove extra slow and didn't stay in your own travel lane. You didn't understand why people sped past you...you said that you'd always catch up to them at the next stop light. And, if there were two lanes of traffic, you'd drive right in the middle of them both, on top of the white dotted line...you said that it was the best place to drive -- far away from any pedestrians, and far away from oncoming traffic.
I remember you picking me up from school often. My mom has said that picking us up from school was your best time with us, and if she told you that she was picking us up, you'd get grouchy and act like a kid that didn't get their way. You brought me to karate a few days each week. And as I got older, you'd keep telling me that if I ever needed a ride or anything, that I could always call you.

I remember you paying for my karate lessons when I first started. I am so thankful for that, and I often wonder what my life would be like if I never started taking lessons. I wouldn't have met my husband, we wouldn't have been tested for black belt together, we would never have started dating, we would never have gotten married or had kids, I wouldn't have met my many friends and mentors from the karate school through the years, etc. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I remember you working a lot over the winter. You worked for the state, and when snowstorms came you were one of the men who plowed the roads. If it was a bad storm, sometimes you'd work overtime for several days straight.

I remember your mother, my great-grandmother. Your were such a mama's boy. You drove her around whenever she needed, you spent time with her whenever you could. You loved her. And you were the one to find her dead. After she died, even when you were smiling, you always looked as if a part of you were lost. I was 11 when she passed away. I don't really remember her wake or her funeral...but I remember seeing my grandfather's world get torn apart. I saw my strong, proud, stubborn grandfather become fragile; I saw you cry.

I remember your red pickup truck. It was a Toyota, and you drove that thing for so long. I can't remember how many miles it had on it, but it was some ridiculously high amount - I want to say 400,000, but I might be wrong.

I remember Christmas one year. You would only wear clothes from the Salvation Army. I'm not sure who it was (Aunt B, Uncle B, Aunt L, my mom, or a combination of everyone), but they bought you new clothes, took all the tags off, and convinced you they bought them from the Salvation Army so that you'd wear them.

I remember stopping in at your job with you, even after you retired. The guys loved seeing you. You retired maybe...20 years ago? I forget. But to this day, I still see some of your former co-workers around town and wave. I haven't had a chance to talk to them in a while (I usually see them in passing - driving one of the big trucks beside me, or coming out of the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru, etc), but still. You must have been a pretty memorable man for your co-workers from 20 years ago to still recognize your granddaughter.

I remember you forgetting more and more in the years before you died. Alzheimer's, mixed with hearing troubles...not a good combination. I remember showing you my ultrasound pictures at the nursing home when I was pregnant with R. I remember you kept referring to her as a "he" - you kept forgetting that she was going to be a girl.

I remember hearing how your stubborn-ness was a challenge to the nurses. If you didn't want to do something, there was no way they'd make you do it.

I remember seeing you and Gramma together. I don't think I ever remember seeing you two hold hands or kiss, until you were in the nursing home. The happiness and excitement on your face when she was affectionate...I'll remember that smile forever.

I remember bringing R to the nursing home to meet you when she was only a couple months old, your first great-grand-child. I have a few pictures of you just looking at her and holding her little hand, that I'll always treasure.

I remember seeing you at the hospital near the end. You were hooked up to a ventilator, and had so many other tubes and wires coming out of you. I was happy that I could see you again, and that I was able to say good bye, but at that point, it seemed like you were already gone. You couldn't smile, you didn't open your eyes, you didn't squeeze my hand, you were just resting. My mom said your numbers improved a bit while I visited, but I didn't notice you showing any reaction to me being there. I hated seeing you like that. My once warm, fun-loving, stubborn, lively grandfather lay motionless, being kept alive by the cold beeping and buzzes of machines. I wish I had visited you more often.

I remember your funeral. Your funeral was the first time I had seen military funeral honors. The sounds of the rifles shooting and the bugle playing, the silence as your flag was folded, the respect as your casket was saluted, Gramma's tears as she was handed your flag...

You and Gramma were my rock. You were my source of stability and peace when my life often seemed so unstable and chaotic. I cannot thank you two enough for the love you shared, for the guidance, for the memories. You are a big reason that I am the person I am today, and I hope to be as amazing of a person as you each were. Thank you both so much. I love you, and I miss you.

The morning rush

I was recently asked "What takes you so long to get ready in the morning?" And it got me thinking, as I always do, "Well, what DOES make it take so long? Is there some way to get things done faster so I can get more sleep?" I'm an auditor - I plan, I evaluate, I pay attention to detail, I take corrective actions, I improve efficiencies - it's what I do.

So...this morning, I paid attention to what exactly I do in the mornings, and how long it takes.

4:00 to 4:20 -- hit snooze. Oops.
4:20-ish -- Z wakes up. I get Z a bottle, get A to feed Z in bed so I can get up and get ready (after the bottle, Z and A were back to sleep in about 5 minutes)
4:25-4:35 -- hair, make-up, teeth-brushing, etc
4:35-5:00 -- towel dry dishes, put dishes away, dry and put bottles together (we use the ventaire bottles, and there are 6 frigging pieces for each bottle...oye), make breakfast, make coffee, pick up floor (Z had a bit of fun tearing apart the cabinets last night and I was too tired to clean it up then...lol)
5:00 - 5:30 -- pump (i'm still breastfeeding and pump in the mornings), and while pumping I eat breakfast, check facebook / blogs / email / etc
5:30 - 6:00 -- store pumped milk, wash pump parts, stock up pump bag for work, filter water and fill up water bottles for the day, get a few snacks together for work, pack up work laptop, get dressed (I had clothes that didn't need ironing today, time-saver!), stock up diaper bag and R's karate bag for tonight, grab shoes / jacket / purse / keys, load the bazillion bags of stuff into the car.

If I'm up by 4:30, and if I don't need to take care of any wide awake little people, I'm usually out the door on time at 6. But, if I hit snooze too often and get a late start, or if one / two / three kids decide to wake up early and need lots of attention, I'm screwed.

I know there are a few things I could do the night before. Like dry / put away the dishes, pick up the floor, and get the diaper / karate bags ready. But...that's a lose-lose situation. I either lose sleep at night by staying up later getting things ready for the morning, or lose sleep in the morning because I need to get up earlier to get everything done then.

So, I can't really think of any ways to save time. I get up early, go to bed late-ish, I'm always tired, but...I do what I need to do, and it works. And if it doesn't work, there's coffee.

I love coffee. Mmmmmmmmm...  :)

My yesterday morning

I started this blog post yesterday, but didn't get around to finishing it until tonight. Such is my life. But anyways...

Yesterday morning I started the day off by waking up at 5:15. My alarm goes off at 4:00 or 4:30, depending how ambitious I am the night before. But yesterday morning, I didn't even realize I hit snooze. You know you're exhausted when you don't remember hearing the buzzer go off once, let alone the 8 times I evidently whacked the snooze button. Oops. (On a side note, I really need to stop bringing work home with me. And Z really needs to re-learn how to sleep all night long.) So, needless to say, I was running a bit late getting out the door. I had to go to a different site for work, so that meant I had an hour-and-a-half to two-hour drive ahead of me.

But getting out the door 20 minutes late set me up to have perfect views of the most amazing sunrise. Timing is everything. The sky was pink and purple when I pulled out of the driveway. By the time I got to the bridge, the entire sky in front of me was orange, pink, and purple. And by the time I got to the second bridge, the sky was a bright golden yellow-orange, with shades of orange, pink, and purple fading throughout the sky, and the reflection on the water was glowing. The sky and water looked like a beautiful photograph from a magazine or something. If I had left on time, I'm sure the sunrise would have been beautiful, but I wouldn't have been able to see it while driving over two bridges; I would have only seen a sliver of the sky through the tall trees lining each side of the highway, instead of being surrounded by it. Being surrounded by the colorful glowing sky helped me get into a much better mindset. Instead of being frazzled and rushed, I felt peaceful and grounded.

And, a little further along on my drive, I saw a rainbow. I can't remember the last time I saw a rainbow, it's been a while. I'm not even sure where it came from - it didn't rain all day yesterday, and the sky was mostly clear, yet there it was. It wasn't a full rainbow, it was just a segment, hovering brightly between two clouds. Rainbows always give me a sense of magic and hope and inspiration, I feel like anything is possible. No matter how bad a storm is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel; there is hope and beauty and healing and a world of possibilities.

Along the drive, I got thinking of my friend-in-a-box Mali (http://musingsfrombedlam.wordpress.com/). She's on day 20 of hospital bedrest, trying to stay pregnant for as long as possible (she's 27 weeks tomorrow!). And once I got to work I had a team meeting, where I learned that my boss was just diagnosed with cancer. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for either of them. But, I'm sending all the peacefulness, grounded-ness, hope, healing, magic, happy thoughts, sunrises, and rainbows I can their way.

Meet the Family!

I'm still new to this whole blogging thing, but I figure readers who haven't met me will probably want to know who the heck I'm talking about at some point. So, introductions might come in handy.  :)

My husband

My husband A, isn't a fan of having his whole life plastered on the web for all to see, which is understandable. So for now, here's a pic of A, in smiley-face-ninja form.

My daughter R

At 7 years old, R is the oldest of the three. She loves school, and recently started second grade. She's sweet and caring, sometimes surprising us with her good deeds or thoughtful ideas. She's creative - she enjoys writing, music, and any type of crafty projects. Last time I asked, she said that she mostly wants to be a song writer when she grows up (and a teacher, a marine biologist, a librarian, and a mother to about 10 kids). She takes karate and dance classes. She absolutely LOVES reading (she read close to 10,000 pages this summer alone!). She's a very sentive, emotional girl (which makes me a bit nervous for her teenage years...lol).


My daughter L

At 3 years old, L is the middle of the three. She is a wild child, and has the most adorable trouble-making grin. She's a big ball of energy, a quick thinker, and an instigator. She's got a passion for body art, and she can often be found glueing her belly button, coloring her armpits, or covering her entire face in purple make-up. (Yes, seriously). She recently started taking karate and dance classes, just like her big sister.


My son Z

At 9 (and a half!) months old, Z is the youngest (and last!) child. He's got an adorable toothless smile, and he loves being mobile. His cute little army crawl has turned into full-on speed crawling, and he can pull up to standing and walk while holding on to just about anything. He loves emptying the kitchen cabinets, climbing into the fridge the second someone opens it up, and sneaking off into another room the moment you turn away. He enjoys laughing when told "no", spitting out his veggies, and making diaper changes near impossible with acrobatic flips, twists, and turns. He's generally a happy, easy-going little guy, but tries his best to keep us on our toes.

Here's a pic of the three of the kids together (from 3 or 4 months ago...they're even bigger now!)

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

When I started this blog, I figured I'd post at least a couple times a week, but...I'm already behind. Oops! I have a bigger assignment for work that is due like...yesterday. And it's not quite done yet. Double oops! So, until my assignment is done / reviewed / signed off on / perfect, I've got to come up with some self-control, and stay away from the deep, thoughtful, time-consuming blog posts.

But...I can spare a few minutes for a little randomness, right? Of course I can.

One of my friends introduced me to Pinterest.com, and well...it's addicting. But, I've pinned some pretty cool stuff! (and there's so much many more "pins" I want to check out! But, I must...have...self...control...)

Here is one of the "pins" I saw, and I think it is an awesome idea. The Bored Board. I'd like to make one of these someday (if I ever get caught up on work, that is) --


(from http://www.livingwithpunks.com/2010/07/summer-boredom-fixes.html)

And, here's a quote that I found, that just stood out to me.


(from http://pinterest.com/bhowe74/words-words-words/)

Anyways, hopefully I'll be blogging a bit more next week. But for now...back to work! This assignment will be done soon. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Dear Gramma

Dear Gramma -

I miss you. It's hard to believe that it's already been five years since you've been gone. I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and just remembering.

I remember Friday night sleepovers. We'd have fish and chips for dinner just about every Friday. At night, my brother, you, and me would all climb in your bed together. Your snoring would keep me awake a lot of times (so that's where mom got it from!)

I remember you telling my brother and me that you'd "give us back to the Indians" whenever we were being bad or goofing around.

I remember fruit salad. You'd cut up the fruit, and Jonathan and I would eat most of the fruit before it ever found its way to the bowl.

I remember digging for clams with you and all the great-aunts at the local state park. I loved that even at grandparent age, you still got together with your sisters. I remember throwing rocks to see where the clams were "peeing" the most, digging with garden tools, and having tons of little cuts all over my fingers by the end of the day from digging. I remember exploring the shoreline and climbing the giant rocks when I got tired of clamming. Even today, this section of the park is my favorite to visit when I need some solitude.

I remember clam boils, holiday gatherings, and regular weekend meals with the family. You always worked so hard to keep the family together, and I admire that even more now that I'm older and see how difficult keeping people together can be.

I remember pasta and bread. And more pasta. And more bread. And...even more pasta and bread.

I remember our town's Fourth of July craziness. Uncle B would stay overnight at your house the day before so he could get down to the parade route early in the morning. We'd always get together at your house after the parade. After the parade one year, I remember selling watermelon slices to people stuck in traffic in front of your house.

I remember trick or treating at your house. You always gave us WAY too much Halloween candy, but I didn't mind.

I remember spending time with you at the college's International Center while you worked. I remember seeing how much the international students and your boss loved and appreciated you. I remember seeing almost every student that walked through the door greet you with a hug, and tell me how amazing you were. I was always proud that you were my grandmother.

I remember hearing a lot of Italian phrases come out of your mouth, and seeing a lot of interesting Italian-esque hand gestures. I never knew what you were saying, but I have a feeling if you said it in English, my jaw would have dropped to the floor.

I remember gambling with you and the aunts at the penny slot machines at the casino a few towns over. I only brought maybe $20 to play around with, but once that ran out, you and the aunts kept sticking extra money in my machine to keep me going. Between you and the aunts, I heard a lot more of those Italian phrases that night whenever you'd lose money.

I remember your smile when you held R, your first great-grand-child, for the first time. Even though you passed away when she was only two, she still remembers you. She's seen pictures, and I talk to her about you once in a while, but she remembers things I haven't even told her -- like one time I was talking about you to her but she wasn't sure which grandmother I was talking about, so she asked "what gramma? The one who used to sit over there in the blue chair?" (and she was pointing right where your blue recliner used to be). She remembers.

I remember being with you in the waiting room for one of your radiation appointments. There were several other men and women in the waiting room, and R (maybe a year old at the time) helped bring a smile to everyone's face.

I remember seeing you treat grampa differently when he was in the nursing home. I remember seeing you full of what I felt was regret and desparation. You wished that you loved grampa like you "should" have all these years, and you were trying to make up for it now, now that it was almost too late. You kissed him more. You hugged him more. You told him you loved him more. I loved seeing grampa's face light up when you'd kiss him or hold his hand. I loved seeing you and grampa like that during those weeks / months...there's something about an elderly couple holding hands, kissing, flirting, that is just so...amazing. You and grampa remind me to live in the moment; and to not wait until it's too late to express how I feel.

I remember finding you in bed, in a diabetic coma. At first, I thought you were snoring, but then I realized it was gurgling noises and you couldn't talk. You couldn't move. Your hands felt so cold and clammy, and your eyes. Your eyes just kept drifting, like you wanted to see what was going on but you couldn't focus on anything. I called my brother to come upstairs, and I called 911. Your blood sugar was down to 30. The EMT's gave you something and I watched you slowly come back. Your gurgling noises turned to moans, then to slurred sounds, then to talking. While in the diabetic coma, you were gurgling because you were trying to talk. You knew my brother and I were there, and you were trying to talk to us. Trying to ask for juice/soda to get your sugar up. You were even trying to yell at the EMT's to give you the IV in the other arm.

I remember visiting you at Aunt L's house for the last time. You were so weak and tired and in pain, but you seemed peaceful. You knew you were dieing, and you accepted it. You were ready. I am so thankful that I was able to see you and talk to you that one last time. I remember helping to move you on your bed, and I remember how difficult just doing that one thing was. You were so weak and heavy...moving you helped me understand and appreciate how much Aunt L and Uncle A did for you on a daily basis while you stayed with them, and how difficult it was.

I remember your funeral. Doing the reading at your funeral was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Walking by your casket, standing in front of the entire church, trying to see the words through my tears, trying to read out loud while the entire church watched me cry. I knew my cousin A was there to take over if I couldn't finish, but I wanted to finish. For you. And even though it took a thousand times longer than it should have, I finished.

Five years, it seems like it was just yesterday. I miss so much you, and I'm sure I always will. Sometimes when I think about you, I cry. But more often then not, when I think of you lately, I smile. You were an amazing woman, and I am so lucky to have so many wonderful memories with you. I am a better person because of you, and I am so blessed that you were a part of my life. Thank you.

Love Always,
J.

Whoa, I have a blog!

Hi everyone! I finally decided to get with the times and start a blog. Go me! This blog will be mostly a journal, with plenty of funny kid stories, interesting links, and utter randomness thrown into the mix. I've always been a relatively quiet person, keeping my thoughts to myself. But...I want to change that, and I plan to use this blog to help me out. I want to work on saying what I'm thinking; I want to be honest and bold; and...I want to have fun. Plus, blogging is a whole lot cheaper than a therpist.  ;)  Thanks for reading, and enjoy the ride!